Catholic Church

I'm doing something neither my parents nor I believed I would ever do.

I am currently attending a Catholic church.

Actually they call their churches "parishes", something I remember from a Barbara Pym novel as well as Persuasion (Austen, Jane). My family and I attend a very large nondenominational church right next door, and though the leaders of both places of worship are said to be on good terms with one another most of my family dismisses Catholics as borderline pagans. Interestingly, at least on the Web, wherever I look the prejudiced feeling seems not to be mutual. My mom isn't exactly supportive, offering to drive me to a Lutheran church (the problem with those IMO is that I've looked all of those in our area up and without exception their traditional litergies are strictly for the 9:30 or 8:30 crowds, mostly consisted of, I suspect, the elderly) and warning that "you won't find Jesus there, only religion". My stepfather on the other hand was raised Catholic and is supportive, going with the view that I need to attend a church I find the Judeo-Christian God at--and as long as it's not Morman or Jehovah Witness, anything goes. My oldest younger sister subscribes to Baptist podcasts, so she and her boyfriend keep throwing "Catholics aren't Christian" pamphlets of Protestant-written-and-reviewed information, not reading the articles I found from the major Catholic websites.

I've only gone to three Masses so far, and there are pluses and minuses, so I'm not being judgmental or hasty. Though the litergy is repetitive, I find the structure extremely gratifying contrasted with the other church's guitar-swinging, arm-waving drawn-out vibratto to the point of disrespect to the Lord (again, just my opinion), not to mention the impromptu piano DURING PRAYER! So HT (short for Holy Trinity) wins over 4Squ (nondenom) for worship. The "Father" (it's strange still) of HT delivers speeches much less detailed and comprehensive than those heared at 4Squ, so you could look at it as the Protestant service having more substance to offer the flock, but on the other hand Pastor R of 4Squ also all-too regularly goes off on tangents that barely have relevance to the text if at all. So the sermons I score evenly.

I think the best aspect of HT was the prayer. We all said the same prayers, the "and with your spirit"'s (my stepdad said one thing that drove him away from Catholicism was that if felt to him like adhering to a political system, like Nazi Germany), at one point even holding hands. Also, instead of "take a moment to greet those around you", the signal to shallowly shake hands with everyone within a five ft radius and introduce yourself as if you'd each remember the other's names by next week, we shook hands and said "Peace be with you". Though some might call this even more shallow than the former example, I see nothing wrong with blessing strangers, as long as you're sincere about it--and for the first time in a long time, I was.

Now About Mary:  Yes, this issue is inevitable, and I'm making sure to research very carefully from Catholic sources so that I don't get tainted judgments in my thinking. During my second attendance I was delighted and mildly disturbed to hear the same song from the first Sister Act movie, "Salve Regina", I think. I love that tune. I wanted very badly to sing along, even scrambling in the hymn book for the page, but once I got there I could understand a bit of the Latin and was discouraged. But if I think of the phrase "Mary, Holy Queen of Heaven" as "Mary, set apart from the earth and the queen, being the first, of believers in Heaven", then I begin to relax.

Saints and praying to them doesn't bother me since I read something about equating them to heroes, and really, when you put it that way, why not? It's comforting to think your deceased loved ones aren't entirely separated from you. Purgatory is a biggie, but I haven't seen that come up during Mass, so I guess that'll be something for RCIA when it finally begins.

So if anyone has stuck with me this far, I'd like to ask for any thoughts you might have. If you're Protestant, I want to encourage you to look up the history of the New Covenant and the early church. I know later popes abused their power, but when you look at how far the Church has come you really start seeing the unity and reexamining the papacy. If you're Catholic, and especially if you were converted, I would be very grateful for any descriptions of your initiation experiences. If you're athiest, forgive me, but you may keep your two cents :) I hope you understand.

I could just as well be doing htis on deviantart, and I probably should as I've been neglecting my page there for a while now...mostly through fault of my own. I draw comics--very shabbily-paneled comics with fantastic dialogue I would insert in fanfiction instead if I liked to describe actions instead of drawing them. I suspect I only learned to draw in order to avoid writing, which I see now does not resonate with my long-cherished belief that I would make a great writer.

Careers are difficult. I have not chosen one; none seem to suit me, or rather I do not seem suited for any. My relatives keep giving me obvious and unhelpful advice, such as, "You know you'll do best and happiest doing for a living what you like to do." That wouldn't be work then, would it? I have many hobbies, but none to embellish a resume (ha! what business would I have making one of those?). Drawing, knitting, plucking bass... Now, those who work with power tools and wood you have to admire! Such bravery! I value my fingers too much, but those people regularly move their hands around the vicinity of such sharp and slicing things with only concern for the product...you could say the same about sewing, but it's not quite at the same scale.

Right now I am avoiding writing a persuasive speech in favor of writing depressing self-mutilating ramble. Speaking of self-mutilation, I haven't scratched in a while and probably won't until the weather gets to the correct temperature. I do not cut and for this I am ashamed--that's the most honest way of putting it, but I couldn't put it that way anywhere else. My sister, whose scars are raised and on the outside of her arm for everyone to see, inspires my jealousy. She does things whole-heartedly when she decides to be passionate. She sliced nearly to the bone and gave us all three weeks of scare...but that was a while ago. Six or so after that I found myself looking at her scars and feeling one-upped. It's especially biting because I am older. Till then I had only used a metal screw to scratch the outside of my forearms, but quit when I made to promise...I mentioned I was Christian; promises really bind me with miles of guilt. Well, I saw her arm and spent that summer gradually picking up supplies from the local department store--even got a dirt-cheap set of paring knives (with colored handles, that's how cheap) but found I couldn't slice my skin due to heebie-jeebies, so I use the point only and scrape over many times. What makes the promise not technically broken is that I only go on my thighs instead of the arms. It should be all right.

Good night!

Opening Track

I've decided to keep track of myself in yet another place in case I've failed to make my own intentions clear to myself elsewhere. It's always best to put things in writing is what I believe; this way, I can't misunderstand what I want to do at one time and get out of doing it later. I really want to commit to things and follow through; that said, there's no guarantee this will last long. I'm at deviantart, fanfiction!net, and aven, but I rarely post things. I'm in community college, which is for adults and tasters, not gobblers. My goal is to become a gobbler.

The title of this blog is derived from my newfound liking for apricot jam and my penchant for spreading myself so thin among fandoms and hobbies that I tend to jam to a beat that seems to come from all places. As a Christian there's only one place I should be jamming from, but I'm working on that ;).

I'd like to use this place to post on happenings, my interpretations of those happenings, and fandoms in addition to my own stories. Since sixth grade I believed I'd be a writer, but college changed that. I'll also talk about primary and secondary school vs. post-secondary school, religion, politics, relationships...but these are only the opinions of someone who has learned nearly everything she knows from fanfiction and second-rate literature, so feel free to insert your own thoughts and try to set me right when I've got it wrong.

Now then, at this time I'm thinking about that dumb kid who quit choir in order to avoid singing a Muslim song of worship. I have only seen one clip of him talking to FOX reporters and I can already tell he's hoping for it to blow up into a Supreme Court decision. He's so smug. His parents are probably telling him he's setting an example for kids across the nation. My position:  His reasons are right, but he didn't have to make such a big deal of it. If the text of the song includes "there is no god but Allah", and the context indicates that this is the Muslims' God and no other (even if Muslims believe Allah is the same ultimate creator and benevolent ruler of the universe as Jewish YWH and Christian...do we have a name or should I just say Father-Son-Spirit?), a Christian or Jew cannot, according to a Commandment, lift his voice in worship of that foreign god. Though the class is secular, the song is not. I believe our words overflow from the heart, that not meaning what comes out of your mouth is similar to lying, and we are held accountable (which stinks, 'cause I'm big on cussing). Students of other religions should be able to sit out the song and gain credit through another performance; this guy could've asked instead of quitting--obviously he wasn't a committed choir member if he didn't do this, so I say the class suffered no big loss.

Then look at it liberally. If atheist choir members decide to protest Christmas songs because of their non-religious orientation, can this reasoning be taken seriously? How strongly can a person validly feel against the threatening of their non-belief?

I admire the faith of Muslims. Raised non-denominational Christian, I've been taught that religion is going though the motions of faith rather than the building of spiritual relationship with God, but I think committing various aspects of your life to God, including prayers at certain times or events of the day and clothing standards, is tangible expression, and my family at least doesn't do that often enough. Atheists, on the other hand, express theiir non-belief by either arguing with reason or leading admirable lives, apparently without guidence (which is good too). I'm just pissed at this little snot for making an ass of himself and labeling Christians everywhere with his behavior...but maybe I'm too self-conscious?